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A Follow-Up: Tips for commuters
So I wanted to do some videos, thanks for your help, guys!
Here's a list of topics and the videos I want to do, tell me if I'm missing anything (order is not set):
VIDEO 1: Safety
- Tire Maintenance
- Pedals and Shoes
- Bags (Panniers, messengers, backpacks. handlebar, etc.)
- Waterproof Stuff
- Loose clothing
- Handlebar shape
- Type (Cross, Road, MTB, Hybrid, etc.)
- Frame material
- Riding in traffic
- Where to ride
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INCREDIBLE ENCOUNTER STORY: Uncle Roy Has Legal Trouble, Confronts Antifa, And Encounters Bigfoot
Now, you would not think a Bigfoot would be involved in a story about Antifa. But, this is Uncle Roy, who lives way back in Sasquatch Hollow, so you know. What follows is my transcription of what Roy told me.
“Well, Sir, I had to go to town cuz I had ta take care of sum bidnez at the old courthouse. Ya see, I got myself inta a lil bit a legal trouble a spell back. It all started when I wuz haulin sum copper off to sell. I had my old wagon loaded down with the metal, and my trusty old mule, Gaga, was on point.”
“So I wuz a’pulling my load in the wagon in town, right down Main Street on the way to the scrap metal yard, when out of the blue I heard me a blaring siren a’wailin’! I looked behind me an seen a police car on my ass with its blue lights a’goin’. I presumed that the cop was pulling me over, so I pulled my wagon off the side of the road.”
“Well, this old, ugly fat bitch a’wearing a policeman’s uniform came a’marching up ta me, pointing her fanger at me and telling me to get down off my wagon, which I dun. She then lights inta me, yelling and flinging her arms around about how I can’t be driving a wagon on the city streets, and how I was holding up traffic, and that I wuz puttin people in danger, and that I wuz endangering Gaga. She threatened to arrest me and throw me in jail. I’m a’tellin ya, she had her panties all up in a bunch!!”
“She finally shut her trap and asked me what I had to say fer myself. Well sir, I cocked back my right hand and then slapped the shit outa that thar bitch! She wint down like a sack of taters. I sed ‘No Woman is gonna talk to me like dat, you old hag!!’ I wuz gonna really tell her off, but afore I could git another werd Out, the bullets went ta flyin’! The old cunt was a’shootin’ at me!! I dived under my wagon and covered my head!”
“Well, she emptied her gun. Like any woman, she didn’t hit a damned thang she wuz aimin’ at. She ordered me out from under the wagon. I sed ‘Not til you put yer gun down, ya crazy bitch!’
“Well about this time another cop pulls up, siren blaring and light a’flashing. Thank God, this second cop wuz a white man! So I crawled out from under the wagon, with my hands up over my head. Then the man cop sed “Shit!! Roy, is that YOU?!?” I looked up and saw it was old Wild Bill from Cartersville. His pappy and me used to bootleg together back in the day. I sed ‘Howdy, Bill. How’s yer pappy doin?’”
“The bitch cop then got madder than an old wet hen, pleading to Bill that I struck her. Man, she wuz pissed! Her face was beet red and she had tears running down her puffy cheeks. Bill asked ‘Now Roy, did you hit Officer Black?’ I replied, ‘Sure did! She wuz a’yelling at me and made me fear fer my life. I thought she may pull her sidearm and shoot me. As it turned out I wuz right.’ Well that drove the bitch into really rantin and raving. She wuz making sech an ass of herself that old Bill sed that while he hated to do it, he wuz gonna have to charge me with assault and battery on an officer of the law. I nodded and sed, ‘Aww don’t worry bout it nun. You is jest doin yer job. Tell yer pappy I sed hi.’”
“So I was arrested. I signed my own bond and was outa there in 15 minutes. But what really pissed me off was that they impounded my wagon, Gaga, and all that copper onboard. I wuz not happy about this one bit cuz I had stole all that copper outa people’s houses. Once the homeowners discover the situation and start calling in to the police, they is going to put 2 and 2 together.”
“Fortunately, before I left I found old Sheriff. He was leaned back in his chair sleeping. I walked over to him and kicked the leg out from under his chair. His fat ass hit the floor with a “WHUMP!!!” Sheriff looked up at me and sed ‘Goddamn it, Roy!! Why’d ya have to go do a fool thang like that?!? I wuz sleepin.’ I told Sheriff that I had a problem.”
“I explained to Sheriff that one of his affirmative action hires, Officer Black, was all up in my shit. I sed ‘Sheriff, I gots me 300 pounds of stolen copper on my wagon in the impound yard. I got to get it outa there!’ As Sheriff handed me a key he sed ‘Well Hell, Roy, here’s the key to the impound yard. Go get yer mule and wagon and get the fuck out of here.’ I told Sheriff I was much obliged. I got my stuff and then made my way to the scrap iron yard to sell my copper.”
“So I wuz charged with assault and battery on a law enforcement officer, and I had to go to court. I went to see my lawyer, Mr. Beauregard Sinclair, Esquire. Per usuaI, I dropped 5 grand cash on his desk and he sed he would help me. Old Beauregard is famous fer keepin His werd, If he says he can get you off, then you are as good as off the hook.”
“So that thar is the back story. When the day came I went down to town to go to my court date. I met Beauregard. He sed he had a deal all worked out where the state would drop the felony charge if I agree to plead guilty to jaywalking. So we went in that thar courtroom. The judge called my case.”
“The Judge sed ‘Ok, now Roy, I understand that you are willing to plead guilty to jaywalking?’ I sed ‘That’s right, you fat cunt.’ The Judge grimaced and sed ‘Now, Roy, don’t talk like that! Come on, buddy, we are trying to help you out here.’
“The judge continued, ‘Roy, it has come to my attention that the witness agin ya, Officer Black, has disappeared and nobody knows where she is.’ I looked over at Beauregard and he winked at me. Good old Beauregard! The judge sed ‘So I am gonna drop all charges agin ya, Roy.’ I sed, ‘Why thanky, you old, shriveled-up cunt!’ The judge replied ‘Roy! You are in court right now. Don’t talk to me like that! Next case!’
“As we walked out of the courtroom I told Beauregard thanks and that it came out a lot better than I thought it would. I slipped him some gold rounds, he shook my hand, and we both left the courthouse.”
“Outside the old courthouse I saddled up on my mule, ole Gaga, when I heard this terrible commotion a‘ coming up the street. It was a crowd of people marching toward the courthouse, and they wuz some ugly motherfuckers, they were! They wuz all dressed in black, wearing masks and helmets, and carrying sticks and baseball bats.”
“Well, sir, this mob of people wuz in sum kind of angry mindset. They wuz carrying protest signs about Nazis and Trump and fascists and yada yada. They all seemed to have the same symbols on their clothes.”
“They wuz all hootin and a’hollarin. When they got up to me I asked one of the large women in the group what wuz going on. She sed ‘We Are ANTIFA, man! We are fighting the fascist capitalists and police state!’ I asked ‘What is Antifa?’ She sed ‘That stands for anti-fascist!!’ Then she screamed ‘KILL ALL FASCIST SCUM!!’
“I wuz perplexed. As I sat on my mule, looking at all these fat chicks and purple haired faggots prancing around, I thunk to myself ‘Fascists?!? Nazis?!? There ain’t no fascists and Nazis here. This here is America!”
“Well, it wuz about that time that the entire police force showed up: Old Sheriff, Wild Bill From Cartersville, and Booger. Sheriff sed ‘Roy, you better get on out of here. We are going to have to restore order and things may get pretty rough.’ I sed ‘Fuck you, Sheriff. You can’t stop a ni**er from stealing a loaf of bread from the 7-11.’ Old Sheriff jest ignored me and started barking orders at the Antifa faggots.”
“Well, That did not go over very well. Them thar homos started throwing rocks and chanting ‘HEY HEY, HO HO!!! ALL PIGS MUST GO!!’ You know, that jest did not sit right with me. Old Sheriff is a cunt, but he’s a hometown boy. Plus, this here is America! And it twere clear that these twerps are not anti-fascists; they ARE the fascists!”
“So I reached into the saddlebags on my old mule and pulled out my 2 Uzis. Dual wielding them, I opened far on the stupid kids. TAT TAT TAT TAT TAT TAT TAT TAT TAT TAT TAT!!!!!! The brass wuz a’flyin’ and the faggots were a’scatterin!! It looked like a Friday night raid on a gay bathhouse!!”
“Well, it wuz about that time that I ran outa ammo. But thar wuz a problem: there wuz still about a hundred of them little peckers left! And a couple of ‘em ‘twas armed and wuz a’returnin fire! ‘Oh shit!’, I thought.”
“I jumped off my mule and ran over to Sheriff and sed ‘gimme yer car keys, bitch!’ Sheriff sed ‘Now Roy, I can’t just give you my car. It’s county property!’ I grabbed Sheriff by his collar and punched him in the face. Sheriff them handed me his car keys and sed ‘Ok, Roy, Ok, here they are. Take them.’ I them high-tailed it to Sheriff’s squad car. The Antifa fags were in hot pursuit of me!”
“I hopped in the car and burned outa thar! I noticed immediately that Neil Diamond wuz a’sangin to me on the radio. I sed ‘Sheriff, you sick pussy motherfucker!’, then turned that shit off. Jest then a bullet shattered my rear winder. BOOM!!! Those fucking homos had got them a car too and wuz a’chasing me!”
“Most police departments git ‘em sumthang souped up in the patrol car department so that they can catch criminals running from ‘em. But that fucking retard Sheriff bought hisself a pussy Prius. I thought to myself ‘Sheriff, you Goddamn faggot! When this is over I am gonna whoop yer ass!’ I knew I wuz gonna hafta ditch this communistic piece of shit and run fer it!”
“I got outa town and inta some wooded area. I grabbed Sheriff’s shotgun in the car, opened the door, and dived out while the car wuz still a’movin’. I rolled to a stop, got up, and ran off into the woods just as those Antifa cunts pulled up.”
“As I wuz haulin’ ass up into the woods, I checked to make sure the shotgun I grabbed outa Sheriff’s car was loaded. It wasn’t. There wuz nary a shell in the magazine. I sed to myself ‘Damn it, Sheriff!! I’m gonna cripple yer ass over this!’ I could hear the Antifa pussies. They had entered the woods and were on my ass, and here I am unarmed!!”
“I fucked up this time. I took on too many people at one time with insufficient firepower. All I could do now wuz run. The chase wint on fer a few minutes. Then, BOOM... I came to a cliff. ‘SHIT!’, I thought. It was Dogman Ravine!! I knew I wuz in its vicinity, but here it be. It wuz a good 100 foot drop. After a moment or two, the gaggle of Antifa homos caught up to me.”
“There wuz 5 of ‘em. They wuz pudgy and outa shape, as evidenced by all the huffin’ and a’puffin’ they wuz doin. Now, usually this would not be a big deal. I’d jest whoop their asses and go on my way. But this here predicament were different. Two of these fags had AR rifles, and I were unarmed. That goddamn courthouse got it a no-gun policy, so I wusn’t packin’ like I normally would.”
“I raised up my hands and sed ‘Whoa thar, faggots. Let’s not do anythang rash here.’ The one girl in the group sed ‘He’s using homophobic terms. Shoot him!’ I sed, ‘yeah, shoot me, faggots! Ya’ll sissies ain’t got the guts.’ The bitch spoke up agin, demanding the gunmen shoot me.”
“Well Sir, about that time thar came a hellish roar along with a crashing sound coming up from behind the Antifa nitwits. ‘RRRRRRAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR!!!!!’ Then BOOM!!!!!, it was on top of them!”
“It were a goddamn Bigfoot! A big one!! It wuz about 12-13 ft tall, I reckon. The Antifa pussies were frozen in fear. The Bigfoot grabbed that bitch that wuz trying to git me shot, and ripped her head off! It then savagely mauled the other 4 in quick order. When it wuz over the forest floor was covered in blood and body parts. It wuz fucking disgusting!!”
“Then the big old beast’s eyes and mine met. At this point I still wuz not sure what this monster’s intent wuz. Then the damnedest thang happened. It spoke to me with telepathic mindspeak!”
“The Bigfoot sed ‘I hate these Antifa faggots.’ I nodded. Then the Bigfoot raised its right hand, waved at me, and then with Mindspeak sed ‘See ya, Roy!’ It walked off into the woods and wuz gone.”
“I’m not sure how that swarthy critter knew my name. But, who cares? I decided I would jest hump it back to Sasquatch Hollar on foot, so I took off. By nightfall I wuz a’layin in my hammock on the porch and sippin sum of the devil’s nectar!”